Autism Myth #95: Asking "Why " = Challenging Authority
Updated: Sep 24
I don't remember the first time asking "Why" got me in trouble.
I do remember that while I stopped asking such questions around 9th grade, I'd begun giving up on school years prior.
Seventh grade is when I began to check out academically.
Before seventh grade, I was in the Gifted & Talented Education program. Some of you remember that one. During those years I was nationally recognized for writing after a sixth grade essay submission to an academic contest earned me exceptional marks.
But in seventh grade, I began to notice a big difference between me and my peers.
I mean there was the time in preschool (yes, I have memories from preschool) when a teacher told us to take off our shoes and for some reason I heard "take off your pants" and began to do so on the playground to a truly unnececary amount of drama...but all little kids make strange mistakes. Shoes, pants, easy error.
In seventh grade, the confusion that in elementary school years was only in the periphery of my experience was suddenly everywhere.
We were big kids now. There was less help and higher expectations.
We didn't just have to do work, we had to organize ourselves.
We had to remember things.
We no longer stayed in the same classroom all day.
I began to fall behind and fast.
My classmates seemed to understand what was going on during science labs when I didn't, they remembered that we had a big diorama social studies project due when I didn't, they could follow instructions that jumbled themselves up in my head.
I'd forget books at home. Forget to do homework. I can still see the disappointed and angry eyes behind my advanced math teacher's glasses as he opened my workbook to another empty page. I'd tested into the class, but could never keep up with assignments somehow.
Where had my mind been when he'd said we had one? I don't know. Behind my house mentally picking blackberries, probably.
School felt like a place where I was always in trouble, always letting people down.
Eighth grade is when I had my first IEP, Individualized Education Plan.
One day, I'd gone to a doctor who did an evaluation. They gave me a set of papers that I was supposed to hand to my teacher. That's all I remember about that.
To this day, I don't know if those papers made it to my teacher and why, based on my track record, they trusted me with the handoff.
I don't remember anyone talking to me about what they thought was wrong with me. They very well could have, though.
One of the many problems I had in classrooms was when I'd see that look on a teacher's face that let me know they were exasperated, or worse, mad.
A lot of these came when I said something I shouldn't have.
In school, you're supposed to follow instructions. But what if you don't understand them?
Children with ADHD or who are on the spectrum sometimes ask a lot of questions, many of them unrelated to the subject matter being studied.
Asking these types of questions can be viewed by someone who has authority over you as a challenge.
Teacher: "Everyone line up, boys on one side, girls on the other."
Child: "Why do we have to line up like that?"
The child may genuinely want to know the teacher's thought process, but to the teacher it can sound like an insubordinate challenge of their process and classroom management abilities.
I learned as an adult that the response a teacher gives depends on their personality, mood, personal beliefs, and mental/emotional bandwidth. Teachers are often overwhelmed. One question is fine, but multiplied by the number of children in a class, anyone could get winded.
If a teacher feels like the child is being rude in their questioning, they might reprimand or snap at them.
But to a child, it can be as simple as: "I don't understand this and I would like to."
For me, it often was.
I just wanted to understand something in a situation where I didn't feel as if I understood much.
Children who think differently often ask unrelated questions because their minds aren't where one would expect them to be.
When the question is met with anger or punishment, that is confusing, can make a child sad, and often leads to children being withdrawn and shut down.
This can happen at home, too.
Mom: I need you to put your backpack on the shelf.
Child: Why?
The child may be thinking: This command sounds arbitrary. I'd like to understand why she's asking me to do it.
The mom may be thinking: Keeping the backpack on the shelf keeps our pets away from it and makes it more likely that you'll remember it in the morning.
The mom may be feeling: Annoyed. "I don't want to explain every single thing I ask my child to do. This is disrespectful. Why can't they just obey me?"
All of these thoughts and feelings are valid. None are inherently wrong. There are times a child needs to obey without an explanation. A "move!' when a car is coming can save a life.
And just like teachers, parents do not always have the time or mental energy to explain.
So how can children and adults who are asking questions be helped, keeping in mind the legitimate needs and concerns or the person charged with caring for them?
For adults, be aware of how you feel. If you're mad, tired, hungry, or stressed, don't take that out on a child. Take a breath. Look at the child in front of you and decide not to project onto them or harm them for being a curious.
Another tip I use when I don't have the time or energy to answer a question is to be honest. You can tell a child, "I can't discuss this with you now, I need you to listen to me and then we can talk about this later."
It's not a bad thing for a child to learn that sometimes we have to listen before we get all the details. Just make sure you follow through on that later, even if it's the next day because many kids keep track of these things.
Fighting that knee-jerk reaction to register every "Why" as disrespect will build a bridge with the child in your care. It will tell them that you care and are a safe person.
Children, who are very aware of power disparities, are often unconsciously scanning adults for those two things: who am I safe around and who cares about me?
You can communicate to a child that now is not the best time for a particular question without cutting them down to size or unleashing negative emotions on to them.
Tips for autistic and/or ADHD adults or children:
People don't always have the energy or time to answer questions in the moment. It's important to be patient. Being patient is being kind and thoughtful.
If you are worried about forgetting your questions, write them down. You can also ask other people for insight while you're waiting.
If you can, take a moment to think about how other people might be feeling before you ask them a question. Observe them, do they look busy? Are they doing many things? Are they driving? On the phone? Is it a good time to ask a question? You can always start with, "May I ask you a question?"
Being curious about people and the world is a good thing. We just how to figure out how to get the information we want in a way that considers others. That is being loving.
I'm not always as patient, kind, and loving as I want to be. Then I know it's time to apologize. And that's ok! We're all trying together.
The prayer I'm saying today is:
Dear God, in a world that isn't always patient or kind, please help me to be. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
love, Bunmi
Diary of a Wimpy Kid Meets Dog Man Meets Faith, Fun, & Laughs
David's Diary is a brand new chapter book series by Bunmi Laditan full of everyday adventure at school and home. Full of laughs and featuring kids who grow, learn, and figure out that with God, all things are possible.
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